Parental Guidance
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana and Mallory commiserate about being single parents. Cheryl just spreads the misery around. And Archer is just plain miserable.


**Archer did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just something that came out of my little demented brain.**

 **Parental Guidance **

"Wow another day of no clients and doing nothing," Archer remarked as he took a drink in his mother's office. "I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm starting to get bored."

"Oh how bad for **you,** " Mallory glared at her son as he sat down in a chair in front of him.

"Archer we need clients and money," Lana said. She was sitting down in a chair as well.

"This private eye thing isn't going as well as I thought it would," Archer remarked.

"Let me guess," Mallory glared at her son. "You thought you'd be up to your eyeballs in whores by now didn't you?"

"Well…" Archer began. Then Lana growled at him. "Uh no…No I did not."

"Nice save," Lana glared at him. "But honestly…I don't know what to do if this doesn't pan out. I have a child to raise."

"Ditto," Mallory gave her son a look.

"Oh ha, ha…" Archer rolled his eyes.

"I'm so worried about AJ if this detective agency goes the way of our old spy agency," Lana sighed. "The last thing I want to do is move in with my parents. But that is looking like a very real possibility. If wasn't for AJ I wouldn't even think of it but…"

"Trust me Lana I know how you feel. I've **been** there," Mallory said. "At least you have Sterling. Oh wait, I see your point…"

"You know…?" Archer gave Mallory a look.

"And at least you have a decent day care," Mallory sighed. "Which **I** am paying for. And it's a lot more expensive than Woodhouse ever was. Except for that incident in Mexico…"

"Yeah where is AJ's new daycare anyway?" Archer asked Lana. "You never told me…"

"Uh…" Lana began nervously.

"On the other hand, never mind," Archer interrupted before taking a drink. "If I know you'll want me to pick her up all the time."

"See? That's exactly the attitude I am **talking** about!" Lana snapped. "You hardly spend any time with AJ now!"

"And whose fault is **that?** " Archer snapped.

"YOURS!" Lana snapped. "Because all you've been doing lately is going to bars and talking about Veronica F#$#%%%^ Deane!"

"Lana you never leave me alone with AJ!" Archer snapped. "You don't trust me enough to do that!"

"Good point," Mallory nodded.

"Because you're almost always half plastered!" Lana snapped.

"Also a good point," Mallory added.

"I am not leaving my child alone with a half-drunk idiot who cares more about getting his next fix than his responsibilities!" Lana snapped. "One Woodhouse is more than enough."

"Also a…HEY!" Mallory snapped. "Is that a crack at me?"

"How is it **not**?" Cheryl was heard from the next room.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "And say what you want about Woodhouse…"

"You usually do," Lana added.

"But at least he was loyal!" Mallory snapped. "And he was there for Sterling."

"When you **weren't** ," Cheryl said. "Which was practically all the time from what I've heard!"

"You're going to hear a bullet in your **empty brain** if you don't shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"And where is Woodhouse **now?** " Lana folded her arms.

"Good point," Archer shrugged.

"Woodhouse was all I could get at the time!" Mallory snapped.

"Did you even **try** to find someone else?" Lana asked.

"Uh…" Mallory blinked.

"Also a good point," Archer added.

"Oh really? You're one to talk about **drugged up coke fiends** babysitting your child!" Mallory snapped. "Hello? Pam?"

"She was out of rehab before she started babysitting AJ and you **know** it!" Lana snapped. "And she hasn't touched coke since!"

"That we know of," Mallory groaned.

"Well there are plenty of other new fascinating addictions she has," Archer remarked. "But I back Lana up on this one. Pam is way better at babysitting than Woodhouse ever was."

"Not that the bar was that high to begin with," Cheryl called out.

"Archer you have been coming over less and less," Lana said. "And hanging out at bars more and more!"

"I do not hang out at bars more!" Archer protested.

"It's true," Cheryl added. "Sometimes he just drinks at home watching Veronica Deane movies."

"GOD DAMN IT CAROL SHUT UP!" Archer snapped.

"MAKE ME!" Cheryl shouted back.

"Sterling I will never understand your fascination with that Hollywood Has Been!" Mallory sniffed. "She was never even nominated for an Oscar."

"Well you know that crowd is so political," Archer pointed out. "It's more about deal making than anything else…"

"I swear sometimes I think I failed as a mother," Mallory sighed.

" _ **Sometimes**_?" Cheryl laughed as she stuck her head in. _"Sometimes?"_

"Shut up!" Mallory glared.

"I mean come on Ms. Archer," Cheryl laughed as she walked in. **"Come on!"**

"Does that count as phrasing?" Archer blinked.

"Coming would," Lana said. "Come on, no."

"Oh right," Archer realized.

"Let's skate past the fact that Mr. Archer is an alcoholic man whore who's had more partners than a square-dancing troupe," Cheryl went on. "And he's had more venereal diseases than the Mayo clinic."

"There's such a thing as a square-dancing **troupe?** " Archer blinked. "That's a **thing?"**

"And let's go past that Mr. Archer has been kicked out of more schools than lesson plans for the Metric System," Cheryl added. "Including college which he flunked out of."

"Technically I didn't flunk out," Archer protested. "I was expelled."

"Right," Mallory gave him a look. "Flunking out implies that you put **some effort** into your studies!"

"I was doing **great** in that poetry class!" Archer protested.

"A class you weren't even **registered** for!" Mallory snapped. "And doing the professor isn't the same as doing great in that class!"

"I did the professor, the teacher's aide, a junior and two seniors in that class!" Archer snapped. "So yeah, technically I did **great!"**

Mallory sighed and looked at Cheryl. "Continue."

"The fact is Mr. Archer is so completely irresponsible and self-centered he makes Peter Pan look like a mature, responsible adult," Cheryl added. "He never apologizes for anything he has ever done, ever!"

"I apologized…once," Archer said. "I think…"

"Have you?" Lana folded her arms.

"Face it Archer," Cheryl said. "You wouldn't own your shit if it came to you delivered by Federal Express!"

"Well I definitely wouldn't want **that** package," Archer remarked.

"Don't forget he also knocked up a hooker!" Cheryl added.

"Oh dear God," Mallory groaned. "I'd forgotten about that fiasco!"

"Okay again," Archer protested. "As I have tried to explain before several times…"

"I don't want to **hear it!"** Mallory snapped.

"He's also pretty much responsible for getting your spy agency shut down," Cheryl added. "Because he screwed up every mission he got!"

"Not every mission!" Archer protested. "Three out of four tops!"

"That's not a good thing Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"He can't even pick a car that **works!** " Cheryl added.

"My car works!" Archer snapped. "Not right at this minute but it does!"

"And I'm sure we all remember how he made an ass of himself at the Fourth of Ju-Luau," Cheryl added.

"Painfully…" Lana groaned.

"My carpet was never the same after that fiasco," Mallory moaned.

"And he's the one who started the fight with the Zissners in the first place!" Cheryl added. "Which is why we have no clients now!"

"Oh please!" Archer groaned. "It's not…"

"It **is** your fault Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"Is not!" Archer stubbornly said.

"Is too!" Mallory snapped.

"Is not!" Archer defended.

"Is too!" Mallory snapped.

"And another day of intelligent discussion and debate at the Figgis Agency," Lana groaned.

"Take a good look Lana," Cheryl laughed. "This is your future with your daughter!"

"My relationship with my daughter will be **nothing** like these two!" Lana pointed out fiercely.

"Wanna bet?" Cheryl snorted.

"IS NOT!" Archer shouted.

"IS TOO!" Mallory shouted.

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"I'M GOING TO MY OFFICE!" Archer stormed out.

"OH RIGHT!" Mallory called after him. "THAT'S WHERE YOU HIDE YOUR STASH OF BOOZE! THAT'S IT! GET EVEN MORE DRUNK AND DISAPPOINT ME! IT'S WORKED WONDERS SO FAR!"

"Oh I'm a disappointment **to you?"** Archer stormed back in. "That's a laugh! You haven't exactly been Mother of the Year material you know?"

"Just what do you mean by that crack?" Mallory glared. "I was a halfway decent mother! I did the best I could!"

"If that was your best I'd hate to see your **worst**!" Archer snapped. "Oh wait I have!"

"What do you want from me Sterling?" Mallory snapped. "I was a single mother doing what I had to do!"

"You mean doing whoever you **wanted** to do!" Archer shouted back.

"Oh if that isn't Jennie Diver calling Lucy Brown a whore I don't know what is!" Mallory snapped.

"Technically Jennie Diver was a thief and a pickpocket," Archer corrected. "Not an actual whore. Okay she slept around a lot…"

"So do **you**!" Mallory snapped. "With anything you can find! Case in point!" She pointed to Lana and Cheryl.

"HEY!" Lana and Cheryl snapped.

"And Pam and half my agency! The **female** half!" Mallory shouted.

"Not true!" Archer snapped. "I never slept with Francine your old receptionist!"

"Not for lack of trying!" Mallory snapped. "You hit on her so many times she had no choice but to leave!"

"After her husband hit **you!** " Cheryl laughed. "That was a fun day."

"I lost one of the best employees I ever had because you can't keep it in your pants!" Mallory shouted. "Seriously, every time you see a woman you never met before, your response is to want to have sex with her!"

"And every time you see a man you never met before…" Archer glared at his mother.

"Don't go there Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"You abandoned me on Christmas because you were shacking up with that jerk What's His Name!" Archer barked.

"Eve! It was only Christmas **Eve!** " Mallory snapped. "And technically he was living with **me**! Not for long. What was his name again? I want to say Emerson but I know that's not right…"

"AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I DRINK?" Archer threw up his hands and stormed out of the office.

"YOU'RE THE REASON WHY I DRINK!" Mallory shouted after him as she followed him.

"OH YEAH!" Archer snapped. "THAT SHIP SAILED LONG BEFORE I ARRIVED AND YOU KNOW IT!"

Lana sighed. "Maybe Archer not being around AJ so much isn't the **worst thing** in the world?"

"I KNOW MY VAGINA WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER YOU RUINED IT WITH YOUR BIG FAT HEAD!" Mallory screamed. "EVEN AFTER TWO REJUVINATION OPERATIONS!"

"Or her grandmother?" Lana groaned.


End file.
